When I began researching genealogy, I quickly found that in
addition to keeping track of many family facts, another responsibility came
along – the keeping of secrets – Yes… secrets, which even the dullest appearing
family will have. As children, we love to be privy to secrets (and to tell
them!) – But as adults, the novelty of a secret quickly wears thin. To bear the
load of a deep family secret can become a very heavy burden – and I know there
are families with far worse secrets than mine!
It does seem odd how some family members will disclose some
little tidbit – often off the cuff – [the secret out of wedlock pregnancy and
baby given up for adoption is, I’m sure, a common family ‘secret’ – my own
family having a couple of those.] Often it is an elderly relative who has this
information and maybe because so many people involved are now deceased – or just
because so much time has gone by – but this relative feels comfortable
disclosing the bombshell -- often times in a casual, matter of fact kind of
way. Also, I think they realize that sometimes someone needs to know
– and that there can be great comfort in telling a long held secret.
Have you found long buried secrets in your research? Do you
keep these secrets yourself? I blabbed a family secret once, years ago, and
later regretted it – though I do realize that secrets are usually far more
painful than the truth. But, I also feel that someone else’s secret isn’t mine
to tell! This is especially sensitive when the parties involved are still
living.....
Other secrets can include things that were considered shameful “back in the day” – like suicide. I’m sure some of us have received a death certificate and been surprised to see the cause of death contradicts what we may have always been told. Even today, mental illness carries an unfair stigma, but years ago it was rarely talked about even if there wasn’t suicide – institutionalizations were often shameful as well.
Years ago, while talking with an elderly relative about the
children of a deceased Aunt, she mentioned the middle child, Mary Ellen, being “an
invalid child” – who died as a baby in the 1930s. When I spoke to my own
Great-Aunt about this cousin, she also said that the child was very ill and
remembered her Dad saying his baby niece had died. But no one could seem to tell
me when this child died or where she was buried. Imagine my complete shock, some
years later, when I found that Mary Ellen did not die as a baby, but instead
lived to the age of 48, dying in 1984, in a State Institution. Did Mary Ellen’s
parents tell people that she had died, or did people just assume she must have
died young, since a disabled child was not something easily talked of in the
1930s & 1940s.
A revered Aunt (now deceased_ gave a child up for adoption over 80 years ago – I would love to find this child or its descendants – whether this story qualifies as a secret, I’m not sure – but it certainly was never talked about! And that fact makes me hesitate to ask the few remaining older relatives in our family, if they might know something.... I don't want them to be angry at me for "tarnishing" our dear Aunt's memory or find it distasteful that I am looking to open such a private can of worms.... If only I had started my search years ago, for now, this long lost child would be 85 years old... and could very well be deceased....
A revered Aunt (now deceased_ gave a child up for adoption over 80 years ago – I would love to find this child or its descendants – whether this story qualifies as a secret, I’m not sure – but it certainly was never talked about! And that fact makes me hesitate to ask the few remaining older relatives in our family, if they might know something.... I don't want them to be angry at me for "tarnishing" our dear Aunt's memory or find it distasteful that I am looking to open such a private can of worms.... If only I had started my search years ago, for now, this long lost child would be 85 years old... and could very well be deceased....
Since most of the ‘family secrets’ I have stumbled upon,
remain a secret today, I’m not really able to give any more specific examples –
but since I know you have your own – I don’t really need to....
So what about your family secrets – have you kept them? How have they affected your research?
Is there more value in keeping them – or allowing truth?
Does the "statute of limitations" ever run out on a secret?
I suspect there will be fewer secrets for future generations – as many of the things taboo in society years ago, are no longer taboo today – children born to single Mothers – divorce – and racial background, among other things – are no longer things to be shameful of – so the need for secrets is eliminated.
So What say You on the matter?
